To resolve conflict aim for understanding before agreement Meaning Factcheck Usage

Context

In the book, this isn’t some abstract philosophy. It’s presented as a concrete, actionable skill for resolving interpersonal clashes in the workplace. It sits right alongside techniques for assertive communication and active listening, framing conflict not as a threat, but as an opportunity to build a stronger, more collaborative relationship.

Usage Examples

So how does this work in the real world? Let me give you a couple of scenarios I’ve used it in.

• With a frustrated team member: Instead of defending a project timeline, you’d say, “Help me understand what’s making this deadline feel impossible for you.” You’re aiming for understanding their bottleneck, not agreement on the original date.
• In a heated discussion with a partner: Rather than re-stating your own point, you try, “So, if I’m hearing you right, you’re feeling X because of Y. Is that accurate?” You’re not agreeing, you’re validating their reality. It changes everything.
• Audiences for this: Honestly, it’s for anyone who has to talk to other people. Leaders, managers, salespeople, parents… it’s universal.

To whom it appeals?

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FAQ

Question: But what if I understand their point and I still think they’re wrong?

Answer: That’s the beauty of it. Understanding doesn’t mean capitulation. It just means you now know the real problem you’re solving. You can then present your side in a way that acknowledges their concerns, making a compromise infinitely more likely.

Question: Isn’t this just a way to manipulate people?

Answer: Only if your intent is manipulative. If your genuine goal is a better outcome and a stronger relationship, then it’s the opposite of manipulation—it’s authentic connection. The other person can feel the difference.

Question: How long does this process usually take?

Answer: It can feel slower at first, but it saves you a ton of time. A 5-minute investment in understanding can prevent weeks of resentment, rework, or stalled progress. It’s a shortcut in the long run.