A child’s behavior is a message, not a problem. It’s a game-changing reframe that shifts your focus from controlling actions to understanding needs, fundamentally altering the parent-child dynamic from conflict to connection.
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Meaning
This quote is a powerful reframe: your child’s actions are not a malfunction to be fixed, but a coded communication of an unmet need.
Explanation
Look, I’ve seen this in practice for years. When a kid is “acting out,” our first instinct is to see it as a problem to be solved, right? We go into fix-it mode. But Rosenberg’s genius was flipping that script entirely. He teaches you to see the tantrum, the backtalk, the refusal to cooperate—not as the problem itself—but as the symptom. The behavior is the messenger. And if you shoot the messenger, you never get to the real issue. The real work is learning to decode it. Is that whining really about the candy, or is it a clumsy, immature way of saying “I’m tired and overwhelmed and I need a quiet connection with you”? Once you start looking for the need behind the action, everything changes. Everything.
Quote Summary
Reading Level68
Aesthetic Score90
Origin & Factcheck
This concept comes directly from Marshall B. Rosenberg’s 1999 book, Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way. It’s a core tenet of his Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework. You might sometimes see similar sentiments floating around, but this specific, powerful phrasing is Rosenberg’s.
Attribution Summary
Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | A child’s behavior is a message, not a problem |
| Book Details | Publication Year/Date: 2004; ISBN/Unique Identifier: 9781892005140; Last edition: PuddleDancer Press, 1st Edition, 48 pages. |
| Where is it? | Chapter: Decoding Behavior, Approximate page from 2005 edition |
Context
In the book, this isn’t just a nice idea; it’s the foundational shift for the entire NVC process. Rosenberg places it right at the beginning to dismantle the conventional, punitive “reward and punishment” model of parenting. He argues that seeing behavior as a problem automatically creates an adversarial dynamic, while seeing it as a message opens the door to empathy and collaborative problem-solving.
Usage Examples
So how do you actually use this? Let’s get practical.
Instead of thinking: “My child is having a meltdown in the grocery store. This is a problem. I need to make it stop.”
You try: “My child is having a meltdown. This is a message. What is he trying to tell me? Is he overstimulated? Hungry? Feeling powerless?” Your response then shifts from “Be quiet!” to “You’re really upset. This is a lot, isn’t it? Let’s figure this out.”
Who needs this? Honestly, every parent, teacher, coach, or anyone who works with kids. It’s for anyone who’s ever felt stuck in a cycle of reacting to behavior instead of connecting with the child behind it.
To whom it appeals?
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Common Questions
Question: But doesn’t this mean I just let my kid get away with bad behavior?
Answer: That’s the biggest misconception. No, not at all. It means you address the root cause instead of just the symptom. You still set boundaries! The difference is you do it with understanding. “I won’t let you hit your brother. I can see you’re furious with him. Let’s find a way for you to tell him that with words.” You’re addressing the need (to express anger) while guiding the behavior (no hitting).
Question: How do I even figure out what the “message” is?
Answer: Start with the basics. Run through a quick mental checklist: Are they hungry? Tired? Overwhelmed? Needing connection? Needing autonomy? Often, it’s one of these universal needs. Then, get curious. Ask, “Are you feeling upset because…?” It’s a skill that gets easier with practice.
Question: Is this only for little kids?
Answer: Absolutely not. It works with teenagers, too, maybe even more so. A teen’s slamming door or sarcastic remark is also a message—often of frustration, a desire for independence, or social stress. The decoding just gets more complex.
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