You know, when Marshall Rosenberg said “Children are never the problem,” he was pointing a finger right back at us. It’s a game-changer that forces you to stop blaming the child and start evaluating your own methods. The real work is in upgrading our strategies, not trying to “fix” the kid.
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Table of Contents
Meaning
The core message here is a profound shift in perspective: the child’s behavior is a signal of an unmet need, not a personal defect. The responsibility for finding a strategy that works falls on the adult.
Explanation
Let me break this down for you. For years, I saw parents and educators, good people with great intentions, get locked in these power struggles. They’d label a kid “defiant” or “difficult.” But what Rosenberg teaches is that the child is just… communicating. Albeit in a way that’s often super inconvenient for us. The tantrum, the back-talk, the refusal to cooperate—it’s all a clumsy, desperate signal. Our job isn’t to shut down the signal. It’s to get better at listening to it and then, crucially, to get more creative and compassionate in how we respond. The problem isn’t the messenger; it’s our inability to decode the message and meet the underlying need.
Quote Summary
Reading Level68
Aesthetic Score84
Origin & Factcheck
This quote comes straight from Marshall B. Rosenberg’s 1999 book, Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way. It’s a core tenet of his Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework. You sometimes see similar sentiments floating around, but this is the original, properly attributed source.
Attribution Summary
Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | Children are never the problem; the strategies we use to meet their needs may be |
| Book Details | Publication Year/Date: 2004; ISBN/Unique Identifier: 9781892005140; Last edition: PuddleDancer Press, 1st Edition, 48 pages. |
| Where is it? | Chapter: Understanding Strategies, Approximate page from 2004 edition |
Context
In the book, Rosenberg is building the case against punitive, reward-and-punishment based parenting. He argues that when we see the child as the “problem,” we naturally move towards strategies aimed at controlling them. His entire NVC model is about shifting from judgment and blame to observation, feeling, and need—for both the parent and the child.
Usage Examples
So how do you actually use this? It’s a mindset you apply in the moment.
- For a teacher: Instead of thinking, “This student is disruptive,” you think, “My current classroom management strategy isn’t meeting this child’s need for engagement or movement. What’s a better strategy?”
- For a parent: Instead of yelling, “Stop having a meltdown!” you get curious. “My strategy of saying ‘no’ flatly isn’t working. His need for autonomy or understanding isn’t being met. What’s a strategy that acknowledges his need while maintaining my boundary?”
- For a coach: It’s perfect for anyone guiding others, really. The client isn’t “lazy” or “resistant.” Your strategy for motivating them or explaining a concept isn’t hitting the mark. Time for a new approach.
To whom it appeals?
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FAQ
Question: Does this mean we should never discipline children?
Answer: Not at all. It means discipline shifts from being about punishment to being about teaching and setting boundaries compassionately. The “strategy” for enforcing a boundary is what changes.
Question: So I’m just supposed to give in to whatever my child wants?
Answer: That’s a common misinterpretation. Meeting a need isn’t the same as granting a demand. A child might demand candy. The underlying need might be for comfort or a sweet taste. A better strategy than just saying “no” might be to offer a hug and a piece of fruit.
Question: This sounds really hard to do in the heat of the moment.
Answer: You’re 100% right. It’s a practice. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about that one time you stop yourself from reacting, take a breath, and ask, “What’s really going on here?” That one moment changes everything.
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