Children learn who they are by how we respond. This simple idea from Marshall Rosenberg completely reframes parenting. It’s not about rewards or punishments, but about how we mirror their inner world.
Share Image Quote:
Table of Contents
Meaning
The quote means that a child’s self-concept is built through the emotional feedback they receive from their primary caregivers.
Explanation
Look, it’s like this. A child’s emotional world is this raw, unformed thing. They feel frustration, joy, sadness, but they don’t have a name for it or a framework to understand it. They look to us. When a toddler falls and we respond with a calm “Oops, you’re okay,” versus a panicked “Oh my god, are you hurt?!”, we are giving them two entirely different maps for understanding that sensation. We are literally teaching them how to interpret their own feelings. And from that interpretation, they build an identity. “I am someone who can handle small setbacks,” or “I am someone who is fragile and needs constant rescue.” It’s profound because it happens in these micro-moments, dozens of times a day. We are their emotional mirror, and they learn to see themselves in our reactions.
Quote Summary
Reading Level72
Aesthetic Score90
Origin & Factcheck
This comes directly from Marshall B. Rosenberg’s 2005 book, “Raising Children Compassionately.” It’s a core tenet of his Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework. You won’t find it misattributed to other parenting experts; it’s pure NVC, born from his life’s work in conflict resolution.
Attribution Summary
Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | Children learn who they are by how we respond to their feelings |
| Book Details | Publication Year/Date: 2004; ISBN/Unique Identifier: 9781892005140; Last edition: PuddleDancer Press, 1st Edition, 48 pages. |
| Where is it? | Chapter: Responding with Empathy, Approximate page from 2005 edition |
Context
In the book, Rosenberg is arguing against punitive or reward-based parenting models. He positions this idea as the foundational alternative. The context isn’t just about managing behavior; it’s about fostering a child’s innate compassionate nature by first validating their emotional experience. It’s the first step in the NVC process applied to the parent-child dynamic.
Usage Examples
This isn’t just theoretical. I use this with clients all the time.
For a parent: Instead of saying “Stop crying, it’s just a toy,” you might say, “You’re really sad and angry that your tower fell. It’s frustrating when something you worked hard on breaks.” You’re naming the feeling, which teaches them about themselves.
For a teacher: A student acts out. Instead of a detention, you pull them aside: “You seem really upset. What’s going on?” You’re responding to the emotion behind the action, which can completely de-escalate the situation and build trust.
For a leader or manager: This works with adults too! An employee is frustrated with a project. Acknowledging that frustration—”I can see this is really frustrating you”—validates their experience and builds psychological safety. They feel seen.
To whom it appeals?
Share This Quote Image & Motivate
Motivation Score85
Popularity Score84
Shareability Score87
FAQ
Question: Does this mean I should never correct my child’s behavior?
Answer: Not at all. It means you address the feeling *first*. Connection before correction. Once they feel heard, they are infinitely more receptive to guidance.
Question: What if I mess up and react poorly?
Answer: That’s the beauty of it. You can always go back and repair. “Hey, earlier I was stressed and I snapped at you. That wasn’t about you. You were just having a big feeling, and I’m sorry I didn’t handle it well.” This models accountability and self-compassion.
Question: Is this just permissive parenting?
Answer: Absolutely not. Permissiveness ignores the feeling *and* the behavior. This is about setting firm, compassionate boundaries. “I see you’re angry at your brother. It’s not okay to hit him. Let’s find another way for you to show that anger.” You’re validating the emotion while holding the boundary on the action.
Similar Quotes
You know, when Brene Brown said “Children learn who they are by watching how we treat ourselves,” she really nailed something profound. It’s not just about the direct lessons we…
When children trust that their feelings matter, they internalize a profound lesson in empathy. It’s not just about raising happy kids; it’s about forging emotionally intelligent adults. This simple principle,…
Children blossom when they feel safe… it’s a simple but profound truth. This quote gets to the heart of what real emotional development looks like. It’s not about constant happiness,…
You know, when Marshall Rosenberg said “Children thrive when they feel seen, heard, and understood,” he wasn’t just talking about parenting. It’s the absolute bedrock of human connection. I’ve seen…
To nurture empathy in children, we must first give them space. It sounds simple, but this is the foundational secret. You can’t teach compassion if a child feels emotionally unsafe.…
