Don’t be too eager to please… it’s a piece of advice that flips conventional networking wisdom on its head. Instead of focusing on making others like you, it teaches that true influence comes from self-assurance. It’s about shifting from a mindset of seeking validation to one of offering genuine value.
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Table of Contents
Meaning
The core message is simple but profound: Confidence is a magnet, while desperation is a repellent. Your self-worth should not be tied to the approval of others.
Explanation
Here’s the thing I’ve seen play out again and again in business and life. When you’re overly accommodating, constantly seeking that pat on the head, people subconsciously register that as a lack of authority. It’s a subtle signal that says, “My opinion of myself depends on your opinion of me.” And that’s a weak position. Confidence, on the other hand—that quiet, unshakable belief in your own value—is incredibly compelling. It tells people you bring something to the table. It’s not about being arrogant. It’s about having a spine. People respect those who respect themselves first. It’s a fundamental law of social dynamics.
Quote Summary
Reading Level60
Aesthetic Score72
Origin & Factcheck
This quote comes straight from Leil Lowndes’s 1999 book, How to Talk to Anyone, published in the United States. You sometimes see this sentiment floating around misattributed to old-school figures like Dale Carnegie, but the specific phrasing and its modern, practical application are Lowndes’s.
Attribution Summary
Author Bio
Leil Lowndes writes about striking conversations with unknown people and how to put others at ease and maintain relationships. Her techniques are straightforward and practically usable that readers can apply immediately in their workplace, and everyday life. Her book list includes How to Talk to Anyone and Goodbye to Shy which have reached international audiences.
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Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | Don’t be too eager to please; confidence attracts more respect than flattery |
| Book Details | Publication Year: 1999; ISBN: 978-0-07-141858-4; Last edition: 2018; Number of pages: 368. |
| Where is it? | Chapter: Confidence Over Compliance; Approximate page from 2003 edition: 142 |
Context
In the book, this isn’t just a standalone platitude. It’s nestled among 92 specific, actionable techniques for building rapport. The context is about creating genuine connections, not just collecting superficial admirers. The advice is a warning against coming on too strong and undermining your own social power before you even start a real conversation.
Usage Examples
Let me give you a couple of real-world scenarios where this principle is gold.
- For a Junior Employee in a Meeting: Instead of immediately agreeing with everything the boss says (“Yes, brilliant idea!”), a confident person might pause and say, “That’s an interesting angle. I was looking at it from [X perspective], which could complement that.” You’re showing you have your own thoughts.
- For Someone Networking: Don’t flit around the room trying to please everyone with a quick handshake and a generic compliment. Instead, find one or two people, have a substantive, five-minute conversation where you listen more than you talk. The quality of the interaction demonstrates confidence far more than the quantity of business cards you collect.
- For a Leader: A confident leader doesn’t need their team to constantly affirm their decisions. They create a space where dissenting opinions are valued because their own position is secure. That security attracts loyalty and respect, not fear or flattery.
To whom it appeals?
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Motivation Score68
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FAQ
Question: What’s the difference between confidence and arrogance here?
Answer: Great question. Confidence is internal; it’s a quiet self-assurance. Arrogance is external; it’s the need to tell everyone how great you are. Confidence attracts because it’s secure. Arrogance repels because it’s often a mask for insecurity.
Question: But isn’t being agreeable a good thing?
Answer: Absolutely. Being agreeable is a social lubricant. But there’s a massive chasm between being agreeable and being eager to please. One is about harmony, the other is about seeking validation. The eagerness is the problem—it reeks of neediness.
Question: How can I build this kind of confidence if I don’t feel it?
Answer: Fake it till you make it is a cliché for a reason. Start small. Prepare thoroughly for meetings so you know your stuff. Set a small goal, like offering one thoughtful opinion per discussion. Competence builds confidence. Focus on the value you provide, not the approval you hope to receive.
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