Empathy is not something we do… it’s something we are. This distinction from Rosenberg is absolutely foundational. It changes the entire game from performance to presence.
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Table of Contents
- Meaning
- Explanation
- Origin & Factcheck
- Context
- Usage Examples
- Common Questions
Meaning
At its core, this quote flips the script. It tells us that empathy isn’t an action you take, but a state of being you inhabit when genuine care is present.
Explanation
Let me break this down. For years, I used to think empathy was a tool in my toolkit, you know? Something I’d pull out when a colleague was upset or my kid was having a meltdown. I’d do the listening, I’d do the nodding. But Rosenberg hits on a deeper truth here. He’s saying that real empathy, the kind that actually transforms a conversation, isn’t a technique. It’s an embodied presence. It’s what we are when our focus shifts completely from our own agenda to truly connecting with what’s alive in another person in that moment. The caring isn’t the result of empathy; the caring is the prerequisite. It’s the fuel. Without it, you’re just performing.
Quote Summary
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Aesthetic Score94
Origin & Factcheck
This is straight from Marshall B. Rosenberg’s 2005 book, Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way. You’ll sometimes see similar sentiments floating around, but this specific, powerful phrasing is Rosenberg’s. It’s a cornerstone of his Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework.
Attribution Summary
Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | Empathy is not something we do; it is something we are when we care |
| Book Details | Publication Year/Date: 2004; ISBN/Unique Identifier: 9781892005140; Last edition: PuddleDancer Press, 1st Edition, 48 pages. |
| Where is it? | Chapter: Being Empathy, Approximate page from 2004 edition |
Context
He drops this wisdom bomb in the middle of talking about parenting. Think about that. He’s not in a corporate seminar; he’s in the trenches of family life. He’s arguing that when we’re trying to “discipline” or “fix” our kids, we’re in doing mode. But to truly connect and guide them, we need to be empathetic. It’s about creating a connection that makes correction possible, rather than just imposing our will.
Usage Examples
So how does this play out in real life? Let’s get practical.
First, for Managers & Leaders. Instead of just going through the motions of a “check-in,” you shift your intention. You walk in not to solve, but to understand. You’re not there to do empathy by asking scripted questions; you’re there to be a empathetic presence, which allows your team member to feel truly heard.
Second, in Personal Relationships. Your partner comes home stressed. The old “doing” mode is to immediately offer solutions or try to cheer them up. The “being” mode? You just sit with them. You let their reality fill the space. Your focus is on connection, not correction. That’s the shift.
And for Parents, like Rosenberg intended. Your child is having a tantrum. Instead of doing the “calm parent” routine while secretly seething inside, you take a breath and connect with your own care for them. From that place of genuinely being with them in their frustration, your response—whether it’s a hug or a boundary—comes from a totally different, more authentic place.
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Common Questions
Question: So if it’s not an action, does that mean I shouldn’t say or do anything?
Answer: Great question. No, not at all. Actions and words still happen. But they flow from the state of empathetic being, rather than being a checklist you follow. The quality is completely different.
Question: How can I cultivate this “state of being”? It sounds passive.
Answer: It’s actually the opposite of passive. It’s an active, internal shift of attention. It starts with self-empathy—checking in with your own feelings and needs first. If you’re full of your own frustration, you can’t be present for someone else. It’s a practice of mindfulness and self-connection.
Question: Isn’t this just semantics? What’s the big difference?
Answer: It might seem like it, but the difference is everything. “Doing” empathy can feel manipulative or draining for both people. “Being” empathetic is connecting and often energizing. It’s the difference between acting like you care, and actually caring. The other person feels that difference on a gut level.
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