Honesty begins not with others but within the Meaning Factcheck Usage

Context

In the book, Goleman is digging into how families and groups build collective blind spots—the “vital lies” that help them avoid painful truths. This quote is the key that unlocks that whole concept. He’s arguing that these big, group-level deceptions are only possible because we are first masters of deceiving ourselves.

Usage Examples

This is one of those quotes that’s incredibly versatile. I use it all the time.

• For a leadership team: When they’re frustrated about a lack of transparency in their company, I flip it. I say, “Before we demand radical candor from your team, let’s do a check. Where are we, as leaders, not being honest with ourselves about the real problems?” It changes the entire conversation.
• In coaching someone stuck: I’ll ask, “What’s the story you’re telling yourself about why you can’t make a change?” This quote pushes them to challenge that internal narrative, that personal “vital lie.”
• For personal growth: It’s the ultimate gut-check question. Before you point a finger at someone else’s dishonesty, turn it inward. Ask, “Okay, but what am I refusing to see here?”

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FAQ

Question: Is this just another way of saying “know thyself”?
Answer: It’s in the same family, but it’s more specific and, frankly, more actionable. “Know thyself” is the goal. Goleman’s quote is about the primary obstacle to reaching it: our own willingness to fool ourselves.

Question: Does this mean we should never blame others for being dishonest?
Answer: Not at all. It means you start your investigation with yourself. If you’ve cleaned up your own side of the street and confirmed your own perception is clear, then you can address external dishonesty from a much stronger, more grounded place.

Question: How do you even start being more honest with yourself?
Answer: Small steps. Pay attention to your gut feelings, especially when you override them with a “logical” excuse. Journaling helps—writing things down often exposes the inconsistencies in our internal monologue that we otherwise ignore.