If you want to be charming, forget about impressing… it’s a game-changer. Shifting your focus from performance to genuine expression instantly makes you more likable and authentic.
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Meaning
The core message is that true charm isn’t manufactured; it’s a byproduct of being genuinely engaged and expressive, rather than trying to perform for an audience.
Explanation
Let me break this down for you. For years, I thought being charming was about having the perfect story or the wittiest comeback. I was so focused on the “performance” that I wasn’t actually present in the conversation. This quote flips that entire script. When you’re trying to impress, your energy is inward—you’re monitoring yourself, judging your own words, and it creates this subtle but palpable barrier. It feels transactional. But when you focus on expressing, your energy flows outward. You’re sharing an idea, a feeling, a curiosity. You’re being vulnerable. And that vulnerability, that realness, is what people are instinctively drawn to. It’s the difference between a sales pitch and a heart-to-heart.
Quote Summary
Reading Level55
Aesthetic Score80
Origin & Factcheck
This wisdom comes straight from Leil Lowndes’s classic 1999 book, How to Talk to Anyone, published in the United States. You sometimes see similar sentiments floating around, but this specific, powerful phrasing is uniquely hers from that work.
Attribution Summary
Author Bio
Leil Lowndes writes about striking conversations with unknown people and how to put others at ease and maintain relationships. Her techniques are straightforward and practically usable that readers can apply immediately in their workplace, and everyday life. Her book list includes How to Talk to Anyone and Goodbye to Shy which have reached international audiences.
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Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | If you want to be charming, forget about impressing and focus on expressing |
| Book Details | Publication Year: 1999; ISBN: 978-0-07-141858-4; Last edition: 2018; Number of pages: 368. |
| Where is it? | Chapter: Express, Don’t Impress; Approximate page from 2003 edition: 238 |
Context
In the book, this isn’t just a one-off line. It’s a foundational principle woven throughout her 92 “tricks.” Lowndes frames this as the essential mindset shift you need to make before any of the specific techniques for conversation and body language can truly work their magic.
Usage Examples
So how do you actually use this? It’s a mental switch. Here’s what it looks like in the wild:
- At a Networking Event: Instead of mentally rehearsing your job title and impressive clients (impressing), you ask someone, “What’s the most exciting project you’re working on right now?” and then genuinely listen to their answer (expressing your curiosity).
- On a Date: Instead of trying to prove how interesting you are by listing your hobbies (impressing), you share a small, funny story about a mistake you made recently (expressing your humanity and humor).
- In a Team Meeting: Instead of waiting for your turn to talk to prove a point (impressing), you build on a colleague’s idea and ask them a question to explore it further (expressing collaboration).
This is gold for leaders, salespeople, anyone in a relationship, and honestly, anyone who has to talk to other humans.
To whom it appeals?
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Common Questions
Question: But don’t I need to impress people to get ahead?
Answer: It’s a common fear. The paradox is that you become more impressive when you stop trying to be. People are impressed by confidence, and nothing signals confidence more than being comfortable enough to be your expressive, unguarded self.
Question: What if I don’t feel like I have anything interesting to express?
Answer: This is the imposter syndrome talking. You don’t need to be a sage on a mountain. Expressing can be as simple as sharing your genuine confusion about a topic and asking for clarity, or expressing your appreciation for someone else’s work. Authenticity is always interesting.
Question: How is this different from just oversharing?
Answer: Great question. Expressing is about connection, not catharsis. It’s context-aware. You’re sharing thoughts and feelings appropriate to the situation to build rapport, not dumping your emotional baggage on a near-stranger. It’s a dance, not a monologue.
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