You know, when Marshall Rosenberg said, “It is not our job to make children behave,” he was really flipping the script on traditional parenting. It’s not about control, but about creating a space where kids can learn to solve their own problems peacefully. This shifts the entire dynamic from enforcement to empowerment, which is a game-changer.
Share Image Quote:The core message here is a fundamental shift in perspective: from controlling a child’s behavior to facilitating their inner growth. It’s about being a gardener, not a sculptor.
Let me break this down for you. For years, I used to think my main role was to get kids to act right. You know, stop the hitting, the yelling, the endless “no’s.” But Rosenberg’s approach is different. It’s about environmental design. Instead of being the constant referee, you become the architect of a space where peaceful conflict resolution is the natural outcome. You’re not demanding good behavior; you’re creating the conditions for it to emerge organically. It’s a subtle but incredibly powerful distinction that changes everything.
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Original Language | English (4111) |
| Category | Education (340) |
| Topics | environment (17), learning (208), peace (50) |
| Literary Style | reflective (256) |
| Emotion / Mood | encouraging (325) |
| Overall Quote Score | 79 (249) |
This quote comes straight from Marshall B. Rosenberg’s 1999 book, Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way. It’s a core tenet of his Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework. You sometimes see the sentiment pop up elsewhere, but this specific phrasing is Rosenberg’s, born from his life’s work in the United States.
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Author | Marshall B. Rosenberg (190) |
| Source Type | Book (4559) |
| Source/Book Name | Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way (135) |
| Origin Timeperiod | Contemporary (1700) |
| Original Language | English (4111) |
| Authenticity | Verified (4559) |
| Quotation | It is not our job to make children behave; it is our task to create an environment where they can learn to meet their needs peacefully |
| Book Details | Publication Year/Date: 2004; ISBN/Unique Identifier: 9781892005140; Last edition: PuddleDancer Press, 1st Edition, 48 pages. |
| Where is it? | Chapter: Creating Peaceful Learning Environments, Approximate page from 2005 edition |
In the book, this isn’t just a one-off line. It’s the central thesis. Rosenberg argues that traditional “punishment and reward” systems just teach kids to be obedient to power, not to understand their own needs or the needs of others. The entire book is a manual for moving away from that power struggle.
So how does this look in the real world? Let’s say two siblings are fighting over a toy. The old way is to march in and say, “Stop fighting! Give it back!” The Rosenberg way? You might say, “I see you both really want to play with that truck. I wonder how we can solve this so you both feel okay?” You’re not solving it for them, you’re guiding them to a peaceful solution. This is gold for parents, teachers, and anyone who works with kids and is tired of the constant power battles.
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Theme | Principle (989) |
| Audiences | child psychologists (4), counselors (247), educators (306), parents (468), school leaders (1) |
| Usage Context/Scenario | community parenting programs (1), education reforms (5), mindful parenting talks (2), peace education seminars (1), school leadership workshops (1) |
Question: Does this mean I just let my kids do whatever they want?
Answer: Absolutely not. That’s the biggest misconception. It’s about setting firm, compassionate boundaries. The boundary is “no hitting.” The environment you create is one with clear alternatives and empathy for the feelings driving the hitting.
Question: Isn’t this just permissive parenting in disguise?
Answer: Not at all. Permissive parenting avoids conflict. This method engages with it, but as a coach, not a dictator. You’re actively teaching a skill—peaceful problem-solving—which is the opposite of just letting things slide.
Question: What if I need them to behave *right now* for safety?
Answer: Great point. Safety always comes first. In an emergency, you absolutely step in with a direct command. The philosophy applies to the 99% of interactions that *aren’t* immediate safety issues, where you have the time to guide and teach.
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