Make requests not threats you keep dignity on Meaning Factcheck Usage

Context

In the book, this isn’t just a nice sentiment. It’s a core tactic within the chapter on assertive communication, positioned as the antidote to passive-aggressive or outright aggressive behavior. It’s the practical tool you use to stand your ground without starting a war.

Usage Examples

So how does this play out in the real world? Let me give you a couple of scenarios.

• With a Direct Report: Instead of threatening, “If this report isn’t on my desk by 5 PM, there will be consequences,” you frame it as a request: “I need the final data in this report to present to the board tomorrow morning. What would you need from me to make sure we can hit that 5 PM deadline together?” See the difference? You’ve stated the need clearly but positioned yourself as a partner.
• With a Partner or Spouse: Instead of the classic threat, “If you don’t start helping with the dishes, I’m just going to stop cooking,” try a request: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed after making dinner. Could you please handle the cleanup tonight so I can relax?” It addresses the same issue but from a place of vulnerability, not attack.

This is for anyone who has to collaborate with other human beings—managers, parents, team leaders, you name it.

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FAQ

Question: Isn’t making a request just being weak?

Answer: Absolutely not. In fact, it takes more strength and confidence. Weakness is avoiding the issue. Aggression is bulldozing over it. Assertiveness—which is what a clear request is—is confidently stating your needs while respecting the other person. It’s the strongest position.

Question: What if the person just ignores my request?

Answer: Great question. A request isn’t the end of the conversation; it’s the start. If it’s ignored, you then escalate calmly by stating the consequence, not as a threat, but as a factual outcome. “I understand you’re busy, but if we can’t get the data by 5 PM, the consequence is that my presentation to the board will lack critical information, which will impact our project’s timeline.” It’s a statement of fact, not an emotional ultimatum.

Question: Can this really work in high-stakes situations?

Answer: It’s often the *only* thing that works in high-stakes situations. Threats force people to dig in their heels. A well-framed request gives them a dignified way to change their position without losing face. It’s the cornerstone of professional negotiation.