Resilience grows when we reality-check the expectations… This is the secret sauce for building real, unshakeable strength. It’s about dismantling the impossible standards that keep us feeling small.
Share Image Quote:At its core, this quote means that we build true resilience not by toughening up, but by questioning the very stories that shame tells us about who we’re supposed to be.
Let me break this down. Shame is a master storyteller. It hands us a script—expectations of being the perfect parent, the flawless leader, the always-in-control partner. And we just accept it. We internalize it. The “reality-check” is the moment you stop and ask, “Wait, who said that? Is that even humanly possible?” That act of questioning, that conscious uncoupling from the script, is where the real growth happens. It’s not about building a thicker skin; it’s about realizing the skin you have is already enough. You’re not building a fortress, you’re realizing you were never actually under siege in the first place.
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Original Language | English (3669) |
| Category | Education (260) |
| Topics | expectation (16), reality (19), resilience (106) |
| Literary Style | concise (408), instructional (42) |
| Emotion / Mood | determined (116), encouraging (304) |
| Overall Quote Score | 67 (29) |
This wisdom comes straight from the research of Dr. Brené Brown. It was published in her 2004 book, Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths, which came out of the United States. You won’t find this one falsely attributed to others—it’s pure, unadulterated Brené, born from her years of studying vulnerability and courage.
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Author | Brene Brown (257) |
| Source Type | Book (4032) |
| Source/Book Name | Women & Shame: Reaching Out, Speaking Truths (39) |
| Origin Timeperiod | 21st Century (1891) |
| Original Language | English (3669) |
| Authenticity | Verified (4032) |
Dr Brene Brown is the author of books such as Daring Greatly and The Power of Vulnerability. The TED talk and Netflix production based on her research reached out to millions of audience. She researches effects of courage and vulnerability in shaping people's work and relationships. She leads the Brené Brown Education and Research Group and provides evidence-based insights into practical tools to help people train themselves
Official Website |Facebook | X | Instagram | YouTube |
| Quotation | Resilience grows when we reality-check the expectations that shame hands us |
| Book Details | Publication Year: 2004; (other edition details unknown) |
| Where is it? | Approximate page from 2004 Hazelden edition, Chapter: Expectations and Culture |
In the book, she’s diving deep into how shame specifically targets women with a unique set of conflicting and impossible expectations—about our bodies, our roles, our everything. This quote is the antidote she presents. It’s the practical, gritty work of challenging that system of shame, expectation by expectation.
So how do you actually use this? Let’s get practical.
This is for anyone who has ever felt the hot flush of “I am not enough.” So, basically, everyone.
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Theme | Advice (652) |
| Audiences | athletes (279), leaders (2620), parents (430), students (3112), therapists (555) |
| Usage Context/Scenario | parent seminars (5), performance coaching (17), rehab programs (1), study skills (4), team workshops (29), therapy goals (4) |
Question: What’s the difference between a reality-check and just being negative?
Answer: Great question. Negativity is cynical and assumes the worst. A reality-check is grounded and curious. It’s not “This is all hopeless,” it’s “Is that standard even realistic? Let’s look at the actual evidence.” It’s an act of discernment, not dismissal.
Question: How do you even start to identify these shame-based expectations?
Answer: You have to become a detective of your own emotions. When you feel that sinking feeling of shame, pause. Ask yourself: “What specific expectation did I just fail to meet?” You’ll be shocked at how quickly the absurd, impossible standards reveal themselves.
Question: Can’t this lead to just lowering all your standards?
Answer: I get why you’d ask that. But it’s not about lowering standards. It’s about right-sizing them. Exchanging perfectionistic, shame-driven rules for values-driven, humanly possible goals. It’s an upgrade, not a downgrade.
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