To influence others, first make them feel understood. It’s a simple but profound shift in approach that completely changes the dynamics of any conversation, turning resistance into receptivity.
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Table of Contents
Meaning
The core message is that genuine influence isn’t about forceful persuasion; it’s about building a bridge of trust by first validating the other person’s perspective.
Explanation
Let me break this down for you. Most of us, when we want to persuade someone, we go straight for the pitch. We lead with our own agenda. And what happens? The other person’s defenses go up. It’s a natural reaction. This quote flips that entire script. It tells you that your first job isn’t to talk, it’s to listen. Actively. Empathetically. You have to make a deposit in their emotional bank account before you can make a withdrawal. When someone feels truly heard, a psychological door opens. They stop seeing you as an adversary to be defended against and start seeing you as an ally. That’s the fertile ground where your ideas can actually take root and grow.
Quote Summary
Reading Level67
Aesthetic Score88
Origin & Factcheck
This is a modern piece of wisdom from communication expert Leil Lowndes, first published in her 1999 book How to Talk to Anyone in the United States. It’s sometimes mistakenly attributed to Stephen Covey or Dale Carnegie, as it aligns with their philosophies, but the precise phrasing is Lowndes’s.
Attribution Summary
Author Bio
Leil Lowndes writes about striking conversations with unknown people and how to put others at ease and maintain relationships. Her techniques are straightforward and practically usable that readers can apply immediately in their workplace, and everyday life. Her book list includes How to Talk to Anyone and Goodbye to Shy which have reached international audiences.
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Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | To influence others, first make them feel understood |
| Book Details | Publication Year: 1999; ISBN: 978-0-07-141858-4; Last edition: 2018; Number of pages: 368. |
| Where is it? | Chapter 24: Mirror Emotions, Approximate page 104 from 2018 edition |
Context
In her book, this isn’t some abstract theory. It’s positioned as a fundamental, practical trick for building instant rapport. Lowndes frames it within the world of networking and social success, emphasizing that the key to being interesting is to be interested—in the other person.
Usage Examples
So how does this work in the real world? Let’s say you’re a project manager and your developer is pushing back on a deadline. Instead of arguing about the timeline, you say, “It sounds like you’re concerned that with the current resources, this timeline could compromise the code quality. Is that right?” Boom. You’ve just validated their expertise and concern. Now you’re problem-solving together, not fighting.
Or in sales. Before you launch into your product’s features, you spend the first ten minutes just asking questions about the client’s pain points and reflecting their challenges back to them. “So if I’m hearing you correctly, the main headache is the disconnect between your CRM and your billing software, which is costing your team about five hours a week in manual entry.” They’ll lean in and say, “Exactly! You get it.” That’s the moment of influence.
This is absolutely crucial for leaders, managers, salespeople, marketers, customer service reps… honestly, anyone who needs to collaborate or persuade another human being.
To whom it appeals?
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FAQ
Question: Isn’t this just manipulation?
Answer: It’s a fine line, but the key is intent. If your goal is solely to get what you want, then yes, it’s manipulative. But if your goal is to build a genuine connection and find a mutually beneficial solution, it’s the foundation of ethical influence.
Question: What if the other person is just wrong?
Answer: Making them feel understood doesn’t mean you agree with them. It just means you’re acknowledging their reality and their emotional state. “I can see why you’d feel that way given your experience” is a powerful phrase that validates without conceding your position.
Question: How long does this take? It sounds slow.
Answer: It’s an investment. You might spend a few extra minutes upfront, but you save hours, days, or even weeks of resistance, backtracking, and damaged relationships. It’s the fastest slow way to get things done.
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