To make people comfortable, match their communication style is one of those simple but profound truths that completely changes how you connect with people. It’s not about manipulation; it’s about creating a bridge of understanding. When you mirror someone’s energy, pace, and even their words, you build instant rapport.
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Meaning
At its core, this is about empathy in action. It’s the practice of consciously adapting your own verbal and non-verbal cues to align with the person you’re speaking with, all with the single goal of making them feel understood and at ease.
Explanation
Let me break this down for you. We all have a default communication setting. Maybe you’re fast-talking and data-driven, or perhaps you’re more laid-back and story-oriented. The magic happens when you temporarily step out of your own default and step into theirs. If they’re speaking slowly and thoughtfully, you slow down. If they’re using big picture language, you zoom out. If they’re focused on details, you dive into the specifics with them. It’s a subtle dance, but it signals “we’re on the same wavelength” without you having to say a single word about it. It builds trust faster than almost anything else.
Quote Summary
Reading Level64
Aesthetic Score80
Origin & Factcheck
This wisdom comes straight from Leil Lowndes’s classic 1999 book, “How to Talk to Anyone,” published in the United States. You might sometimes see similar sentiments floating around, but this specific phrasing and the 92 tricks around it are her unique contribution to the conversation on social dynamics.
Attribution Summary
Author Bio
Leil Lowndes writes about striking conversations with unknown people and how to put others at ease and maintain relationships. Her techniques are straightforward and practically usable that readers can apply immediately in their workplace, and everyday life. Her book list includes How to Talk to Anyone and Goodbye to Shy which have reached international audiences.
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Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | To make people comfortable, match their communication style |
| Book Details | Publication Year: 1999; ISBN: 978-0-07-141858-4; Last edition: 2018; Number of pages: 368. |
| Where is it? | Chapter 59: Mirror the Mood, Approximate page 229 from 2018 edition |
Context
In her book, Lowndes frames this not as a single trick but as a foundational principle that underpins many of her other techniques. It’s presented as the essential first step for building rapport in any relationship, whether it’s a high-stakes business meeting or a casual party.
Usage Examples
So, how does this look in the real world? Let me give you a couple of scenarios I’ve seen work wonders.
- For the Sales Professional: You’re on a call with a potential client who is very methodical and asks a lot of detailed questions. Instead of giving your usual high-energy, big-vision pitch, you match their tempo. You provide clear, structured answers with data. You’re saying, “I respect your process,” and it makes them feel safe.
- For the Team Leader: One of your team members is an enthusiastic, big-idea person. In your one-on-ones, you focus less on the granular task list and more on the vision and the “why” behind a project. You’re speaking their language, and they feel heard and motivated.
- For Anyone at a Networking Event: You meet someone who tells a lot of stories. Instead of jumping in with quick facts, you listen, ask open-ended questions about their narrative, and share a relevant story of your own. The connection becomes personal, not just transactional.
This is absolutely crucial for leaders, salespeople, coaches, customer service reps, and frankly, anyone who needs to build trust quickly.
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Common Questions
Question: Isn’t this just being inauthentic?
Answer: That’s the most common pushback, and it’s a great question. I see it as strategic authenticity. You’re not changing your core values or beliefs. You’re simply flexing your *style* to make the other person more comfortable. It’s the same you, just delivered in a way they can best receive it. It’s a sign of respect.
Question: What if their communication style is negative or aggressive?
Answer: Excellent point. You never match negativity or aggression. You match the *energy* and *pace*, but you maintain your own positive and respectful content. If they’re loud and fast, you can match the energy with a firm, confident tone without mirroring the anger. The goal is to de-escalate, not join the fray.
Question: How do I even identify someone’s style quickly?
Answer: It takes practice, but start by listening more than you speak in the first few minutes. Pay attention to their speed, their volume, the kinds of words they use (feeling words vs. data words), and their body language. Are they leaning in? Are they more reserved? Your first goal is just to observe. The matching will follow naturally.
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