To succeed in crucial conversations replace your stories Meaning Factcheck Usage

Context

In the book, this isn’t just feel-good advice. It’s a specific, tactical step in their model for staying in “dialogue” when emotions are high. Before you even open your mouth, you have to work on yourself first. You have to master your own story. This is that tool. It’s the internal work that makes the external conversation possible.

Usage Examples

Let me give you a couple of real-world ways I’ve used this.

• With a Frustrated Team Member: They’re complaining that another department is “sabotaging” them (villain story). I’d coach them to reframe: “What data or pressures might that team be acting under? What part can I play in creating clearer communication?” It instantly moves them from blame to problem-solving.
• For a Manager Giving Tough Feedback: Instead of going in thinking “My employee is so difficult” (villain), they can reframe to “What am I not providing that might be causing this performance gap? How can I create safety for this conversation?” It changes their entire approach from accusatory to collaborative.
• In Your Own Head Before a Hard Talk: If you’re nervous about asking for a raise, and you’re telling yourself “They’ll never say yes, it’s hopeless” (helpless), rewrite it: “I have a strong case based on X, Y, Z. My role is to present it clearly. I can handle whatever outcome comes.” Total game-changer for your confidence.

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FAQ

Question: Isn’t this just about blaming myself instead of others?

Answer: Not at all. It’s the opposite of self-blame. It’s about responsibility—your ability to respond. It’s asking “What can *I* influence here?” instead of “Whose fault is this?” It’s a power shift in your favor.

Question: What if the other person really *is* being a villain?

Answer: Great question. The point isn’t to excuse bad behavior. The point is that labeling them a “villain” in your head makes you act in ways that escalate the conflict. By reframing, you stay curious and focused on the problem, not the person, which is your best shot at actually resolving things.

Question: How do you actually do this in the heat of the moment?

Answer: It takes practice. The first step is just to notice the story. When you feel anger, fear, or frustration bubbling up, hit pause and ask yourself: “What story am I telling right now? Am I making myself out to be the victim? Am I villainizing them?” Just naming it robs it of its power and creates a tiny gap where you can choose a new, more empowered story.