You know, that idea from Brene Brown—”We can’t both serve people and try to control their feelings”—really gets to the heart of modern leadership. It’s a simple but powerful truth that forces you to choose: are you here to help, or are you here to be in charge? You simply can’t do both effectively.
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Meaning
At its core, this quote means that genuine service and the desire to control emotional outcomes are fundamentally incompatible. They exist on two different planes.
Explanation
Let me break this down based on what I’ve seen in the wild. When you’re truly serving someone—a team member, a client, a partner—your focus is on their growth, their needs, their reality. It’s an act of empowerment. But the moment you slip into trying to manage how they *feel* about a situation—trying to spin bad news to avoid anger, or sugarcoating feedback to prevent sadness—you’ve shifted your goal from their benefit to your own comfort. You’re no longer serving them; you’re attempting to engineer a specific emotional response that makes *your* life easier. And trust me, people feel the difference instantly. It erodes trust faster than anything. It’s a tension I see leaders struggle with every single day.
Quote Summary
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Original Language | English (3668) |
| Category | Business (233) |
| Topics | control (58), empathy (143), leadership (111) |
| Literary Style | direct (414), logical (24) |
| Emotion / Mood | calm (491), realistic (354) |
| Overall Quote Score | 85 (305) |
Origin & Factcheck
This is a direct quote from Brené Brown’s 2018 book, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts., which was published in the United States. It’s a key concept in her research on courageous leadership and is often mistakenly attributed to other sources, but it’s pure, unadulterated Brené.
Attribution Summary
| Context | Attributes |
|---|---|
| Author | Brene Brown (257) |
| Source Type | Book (4032) |
| Source/Book Name | Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. (29) |
| Origin Timeperiod | 21st Century (1892) |
| Original Language | English (3668) |
| Authenticity | Verified (4032) |
Author Bio
Dr Brene Brown is the author of books such as Daring Greatly and The Power of Vulnerability. The TED talk and Netflix production based on her research reached out to millions of audience. She researches effects of courage and vulnerability in shaping people's work and relationships. She leads the Brené Brown Education and Research Group and provides evidence-based insights into practical tools to help people train themselves
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Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | We can’t both serve people and try to control their feelings at the same time |
| Book Details | Publication Year/Date: 2018; ISBN/Unique Identifier: 9780399592522; Last Edition: Random House 2018; Number of Pages: 320 |
| Where is it? | Part II: Living into Our Values, Approximate page from 2018 edition: 91 |