When we judge others, we contribute to violence. It’s a simple but profound shift from blame to understanding that can completely transform your relationships, both personally and professionally.
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Table of Contents
Meaning
At its core, this quote means that our judgmental thoughts and words are a form of psychological violence that escalates conflict, while seeking to understand is an act of peacebuilding.
Explanation
Let me break this down for you. Rosenberg isn’t just talking about physical violence. He’s talking about the violence of the spirit. When you label someone as “lazy,” “irresponsible,” or “a jerk,” you’re essentially declaring war on their character. You’re shutting down any chance of connection. It’s like you’re building a wall. But when you pause and try to understand the need or feeling behind their action—maybe they’re overwhelmed, scared, or in pain—you’re building a bridge. You’re not necessarily agreeing with them, but you’re opening a door. And that door leads to peace. It’s the difference between an argument and a dialogue.
Quote Summary
Reading Level80
Aesthetic Score90
Origin & Factcheck
This is straight from Marshall B. Rosenberg’s 1999 book, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. It’s a cornerstone of the entire NVC methodology he developed. You sometimes see similar sentiments floating around, but this is the original, properly attributed source.
Attribution Summary
Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | When we judge others, we contribute to violence. When we understand them, we contribute to peace |
| Book Details | Publication Year: 1999; ISBN: 9781892005038; Last edition: 3rd Edition (2015); Number of pages: 264. |
| Where is it? | Chapter 3: Identifying and Expressing Feelings, Page 49 (2015 edition) |
Context
In the book, this isn’t just a nice idea. It’s a practical tool. Rosenberg places this concept right at the beginning, framing it as the fundamental choice we make in every interaction. He argues that our habitual, often unconscious, language of moralistic judgment is the root of so much conflict, from marital spats to international disputes. He’s giving us a new language, a language of life.
Usage Examples
So how do you actually use this? It’s a game-changer in so many areas.
- In the Workplace: Instead of thinking “My boss is micromanaging me because he’s a control freak,” you might consider, “I wonder if he’s under immense pressure from upstairs and is feeling anxious about the project’s success.” This reframe changes your entire response from defensiveness to potential collaboration.
- With Your Partner: Instead of snapping, “You never listen to me!” (a judgment), you could say, “When you look at your phone while I’m talking, I feel hurt because I have a need to feel heard.” See the difference? The second one is an invitation.
- In Your Own Head: This applies to self-talk, too. Instead of “I’m such an idiot for making that mistake,” you can practice self-empathy: “I made a mistake because I was rushed and I need more care and attention in my work.” It’s a total mindset shift.
This is for anyone who communicates—so, everyone. Leaders, parents, teachers, partners… you name it.
To whom it appeals?
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FAQ
Question: Does understanding someone mean I have to agree with them or let them walk all over me?
Answer: Absolutely not. This is the biggest misconception. Understanding is about diagnosis, not approval. A doctor understands a disease to treat it effectively; they don’t approve of it. Similarly, understanding someone’s perspective gives you the clarity to set a firm but compassionate boundary, rather than just reacting from a place of anger.
Question: This sounds really difficult. How do I stop myself from judging?
Answer: You’re right, it is difficult. It’s a lifelong practice. Don’t try to stop the judgmental thought—that’s nearly impossible. The key is to catch yourself in the act. When you hear that judgmental voice in your head, just notice it. “Ah, there I go, judging again.” That moment of awareness is the first and most crucial step. Then, you can consciously choose to ask a question instead of making a statement.
Question: Is this just about being “nice”?
Answer: No, it’s about being effective. Being “nice” can sometimes be inauthentic. Nonviolent Communication is about radical honesty and genuine connection. It’s a robust framework for resolving conflict and getting your own needs met in a way that honors the humanity of everyone involved. It’s strategic empathy.
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