When you want to persuade someone let them Meaning Factcheck Usage

Context

In the book, this isn’t a standalone trick. It’s part of a larger section on how to win people to your way of thinking. Carnegie frames it as a fundamental law of human nature: people are far more interested in their own desires and problems than they are in yours.

Usage Examples

Here’s how this plays out in the real world:

• For a Manager: Instead of dictating a solution to a team member, ask, “What are your thoughts on how we can hit this deadline?” Their own plan will always have more buy-in than yours.
• For a Salesperson: Don’t pitch features. Ask, “What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing with your current provider?” Let them tell you the exact problem your product solves.
• In a Disagreement: Before defending your position, try, “Help me understand your perspective a bit better.” You drain the emotion out and often find the real issue isn’t what you thought.

Common Questions

Question: Doesn’t this come off as manipulative?

Answer: Only if your intent is wrong. If you’re genuinely trying to understand and help, it’s the opposite of manipulation—it’s collaboration. If you’re just pretending to listen, people will sense it.

Question: What if the person just doesn’t talk?

Answer: That’s where your skill comes in. You have to ask better, more open-ended questions. “What led you to that conclusion?” or “Can you tell me more about that?” Silence is okay, too. It gives them space to think.

Question: So I just never state my own opinion?

Answer: You do, but you time it. You state it after you’ve fully understood theirs. Then you can frame your idea as a solution to the problems and needs they just told you about. It’s a game-changer.