You earn attention by giving it first is a simple but profound truth about human connection. It’s the secret sauce for building rapport and influence in any situation. Stop trying to be interesting and start being interested.
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Table of Contents
Meaning
The core message is that you can’t demand attention; you have to attract it by being genuinely attentive to others first.
Explanation
Let me break it down for you. So many people walk into a room trying to be the most interesting person there. They’re performing. And honestly? It’s exhausting for everyone. This quote flips the script. It’s a principle I’ve built my entire career on. When you focus on making the other person feel heard and seen—when you give them your full, undivided attention—something almost magical happens. They lower their guard. They feel valued. And in that space of trust, they naturally, almost reflexively, want to give you their attention in return. It’s not a transaction; it’s a connection. It’s human psychology 101.
Quote Summary
Reading Level66
Aesthetic Score86
Origin & Factcheck
This gem comes straight from Leil Lowndes’s classic 1999 book, How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships, published in the United States. You sometimes see this sentiment floating around unattributed on social media, but the specific phrasing is Lowndes’s.
Attribution Summary
Author Bio
Leil Lowndes writes about striking conversations with unknown people and how to put others at ease and maintain relationships. Her techniques are straightforward and practically usable that readers can apply immediately in their workplace, and everyday life. Her book list includes How to Talk to Anyone and Goodbye to Shy which have reached international audiences.
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Where is this quotation located?
| Quotation | You earn attention by giving it first |
| Book Details | Publication Year: 1999; ISBN: 978-0-07-141858-4; Last edition: 2018; Number of pages: 368. |
| Where is it? | Chapter 39: The Reciprocity Rule, Approximate page 169 from 2018 edition |
Context
In the book, this isn’t just a feel-good line. It’s the foundational principle behind several of her 92 “tricks.” She frames it as a strategy for becoming instantly likable and building rapport, whether at a networking event, on a date, or in a business meeting. The idea is to master the art of making others feel like they’re the only person in the room.
Usage Examples
Here’s how this plays out in the real world. It’s for anyone from salespeople to managers to someone just trying to make new friends.
- For a Team Leader: Instead of starting a meeting by immediately dictating the agenda, you open with, “Before we dive in, I want to check in. Sarah, how’s the project load on your end? Any blockers I can help clear?” You gave attention first. Now you have the entire team’s engaged attention.
- At a Networking Event: You see someone standing alone. Instead of launching into your own elevator pitch, you approach and ask a thoughtful question about their work or a pin on their lapel. You listen to their answer. Really listen. You’ve just earned the right to have a meaningful conversation.
- In a Sales Pitch: The old way is to talk non-stop about features. The new way? You start by asking deep, probing questions about the client’s pain points and goals. You give your attention to their problems. They will, in turn, give their full attention to your solution.
To whom it appeals?
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FAQ
Question: Isn’t this just being manipulative?
Answer: Only if your intent is wrong. If you’re genuinely curious and care about the response, it’s the foundation of charisma. If you’re faking it just to get something, people will sense the insincerity a mile away.
Question: What if the other person doesn’t reciprocate?
Answer: It happens. Don’t take it personally. You can’t control others, only your own actions. Move on and engage with someone who is open to that mutual exchange. It’s a filter for finding good connections.
Question: How is this different from just being a good listener?
Answer: It’s a more active and encompassing concept. Listening is a huge part of it, but “giving attention” also includes your body language, your eye contact, and the quality of your follow-up questions. It’s your full presence.
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